Entries for July, 2004

July 3rd, 2004

Streaming Ecstatic Word Charade

Here is an attempt to write.

As all attempts go, I should
think that every particle of insight
would be thrown as a bullet into the nether of supernovas

to tap the somnolent king of sleep
and wake him from his slumber.

But what would i say when i do?

when his gestulating jaw ceases
the crunching, grinding, undulating fro and to;
displeases him, i see i do, to shatter his ethereal rest

but then this was just an attempt.
a fitful yet pitiful, arbitrarial thrust

at creativity

the machine's still turning, however.


you will notice i never did change it. that is because it is finished. nothing else will come out. the machinery has stopped turning when the cogs of time shrank past the nasty little churchmouse singing in his corner, with a hymnbook full of nasty and prayers so angsty, the wonders and fulfilments of a second past denies the knowledge, the infinite glory, the aeon flux of industrious pretend-creativity. now i lay myself down, i rest i rest, i sleep i sleep, i fall down the galactic star-floundering universe of my mind, drowning like a fish, upstream like trout.



like trout.
i shout
i magnify and specify
swimmingly
unfalteringly
against the flow.
pen on ink
stone on the mill
the guillotine
on the death-man's hands.
just.
a.
job.
against the flow.



And

it takes

less

time

to

write

a

paragraph

than

a

single

word.

Currently feeling: constrained
Posted by kilawinguwak at 04:32 AM | 3 hoodwinked

July 5th, 2004

the SEAL

woohoo. check out the way this bass is con-toured:







holy shit. gold plated finish. such a fantastic, anti-ergonomic design (so long as it works well and doesn't bug me, who cares if it doesn't fit in my body?). a fucking bass tremolo system. and freakin seven strings.

i wonder how much this baby would cost me.
Posted by kilawinguwak at 02:20 AM | 15 hoodwinked

July 6th, 2004

The Dancing Mannequin

undulating arms
like gelatin strips

honeyed with
a mad reticence.

the wooden man
sways the night

in his ungainly
scarecrow's gala.

dancing the worlds,
molecules spinning

faster with every
gyration of his hips.

a somersault
could kill a fish.

if he says widdershins,
widdershins the world

shall go, his pet
his ball and chains,

his legs clamped
pirouetting around

like a storm.
a tiny sliver

flakes away
from where his eye

should be.
a tiny dropping

of a scarecrow tear
in the infinite

dance of time.
Posted by kilawinguwak at 10:05 PM | do go on

July 15th, 2004

The Zeppelin of Burning Dreams

If you should come across the zeppelin of burning dreams, do take a second to sit back, relax, and appreciate the moment. Watch the glorious superstructure, the world's most fantastic interdimensional vehicle, claw its way across the skies.  It is rare for one to see such glory with the naked eye.

                The zeppelin is believed to be the utmost wonder of all worlds, and for good reason.  Though the dirigible is massive, the zeppelin defies all known physical laws; it darts through the skies at the speed of a gunshot, and navigates between the realm of the real – and the realm of the imaginary.

                A glimpse of its façade is enough; the grandoise design of the machine, the sleek black of the iron walls, the golden gilding, the ubiquitous engine at the hindquarters of the ship, silent despite the continuous combustion.  It is a small paradise.  This machine is luxury itself.

                There are, however, isolated streaks of chain lightning coursing through the ship’s skeletal frame every now and then.  The bolts would emanate from the engine, travel through the ship and then through the gargantuan balloon, convalescing finally at the tip of its nose.

                It gives the impression that the machine is falling apart.

                What is the zeppelin of burning dreams?  What is its purpose?  What is its destination?

 

***

 

The foremost spot is the dirigible’s tiny bridge.  Therein stands the captain of the zeppelin, an ageless and formidable weretiger clad in a fur coat.  No one else enters the bridge save him; beside the wheel is a wall of communication pipes where he issues all his commands.  Piloting the zeppelin is his curse; if you were to see him up close, you would see that his aged face is lined with creases from an eternity of turmoil.  His azure eyes hide within them aeons of untold knowledge, most of which would never see the light of day.  For the tiger, his purpose is the purpose of the zeppelin.  Where the airship is the will, the tiger is its herald. 

                What this will is remains a mystery, even to most of the crew.  Of course, there are stories.

                One, especially, stands out.  It revolves around the retention function of sentient minds.  You see, there is a certain fixed capacity of memories that a being can retain.  These thoughts, those bits of dormant impulses – memories long left untouched – and those that had been branded by the mind as automatic, is the water in an ever-filling rainbarrel.  The nutrients at the bottom of the barrel, the accumulated grit, the new, dense rainwater, these are retained.  Older memories are less dense, and fill the top of the barrel, periodically spilling over the edge as more information is added into the container.

                If the mind were a vast plain of chaos, this memory-barrel held the logic, the order, of thought.  The contents were sought by wild dreams and nightmares that roamed freely in sleep for sustenance.  If only so much of the memories overflowed, the creatures of chaos are starved.  Since the beasts’s bodies are made of the same electro-impulse as the contents of the barrel, they fight among themselves, eating the defeated creatues afterwards.  This way, the number of nightmares is kept in check. 

                But the time will come where the barrel will be too full to accumulate the excess.  If the amount of the dreamstuff spilling over were to increase, the danger lurking nearby will get more of their fill; the balance will be ruined.  More and more of these creatures will survive.  When they have progpagated enough to tip over even the enormous mind-vessel, the danger to the host body is immense.  There is no sentience without rationality.

                This, then, is where the zeppelin’s duty lies; after all, it caters only to those whose dreams and nightmares have begun to control their lives.

 

***

 

The zeppelin exists simultaneously on all planes.  At the physical plane, it is usually hidden from plain sight, appearing only to a select few.  Assume that you were one of the people who – unkowingly – had a ticket for the zeppelin.  One of these days everything around you shall seem to warp into itself then slowly freeze, as if time had stopped; in front of you is the dirigible, its rope ladder down.  At the bottom is the tiger.  He will then escort you into the zeppelin, where you will be wined and dined by its crew and your fellow ‘guests.’              

                In the realm of dreams, the zeppelin will be busy with nightmares.  One half of the crew will be busy draining the excess – those absorbed by the body as muscle memory – from the barrel.  The other half will be busy manning the dirigible’s weapons system.  There will be nightmares to destroy as the barrel is drained of nomenclature.

 

***

               

There are many who welcome the zeppelin as a chance to take a break from the grind of living.  These people emerge from the excursion refreshed, ready to take on new experiences and troubles.  They have been momentarily saved from a very unpleasant end.

                Of course, there are those who choose otherwise.  But comme ci comme ca; the zeppelin must go on with its duty, host-permitting or not.  The cycle has been so engrained into the lives of the zeppelin’s crew, into even the most insignificant plank aboard the dirigible, that it is unthinkable to put it off even for a few hours.

                In a relaxed state – hereforward referred to as within the zeppelin – the individual’s mind is malleable.  Memory can easily be sifted; the relics can easily be removed.  Within the zeppelin, your safety is unquestionable.

                When the zeppelin begins its bombing runs on an unprepared mind – those without the dirigible – the danger is high.  There is no memory sifting here since there just isn’t enough room to maneouver, not enough time for the procedure.  Instead, the zeppelin drops a humongous bomb on the plain, destroying everything in sight, including the rainbarrel and all its accumulated memories.

                They will then put in place a new barrel.  Water will still flow into it, since learning and remembering is continuous so long as the mind is there.  But the individual is now no more than a vegetable.  What little muscle memory is left will not even matter, since everything that has been learned from birth is removed.  There are things the mind cannot relearn in adulthood.

                In short, those that choose not to board the zeppelin have consigned themselves to a terrible fate; the total loss of their memory.

 

***

 

Slowly – as the zeppelin tirelessly goes through the same routine over and over again with very little breaks in between – it will inevitably begin to fall apart.  The tiger expects this, since he is as weary as the ship itself, both of them waiting for that moment when the zeppelin’s old age finally gives way to the wear and tear of time.

                And the time is near.  You see, the streaks of lightning coursing from the engine to the hull aren’t just static bolts.  They are sure signs of the dirigible’s impending doom.  One of these days, the engines will give way, destroying the hindmost quarters along with the crew and guests in the immediate area.  Fires will sear through the zeppelin.  The Zeppelin of Burning Dreams shall finally give testament to its title.

                At the end of things, the tiger will calmly guide the dirigible into the crash landing that will wipe out everything within it.  In seconds, the superstructure will disintegrate into debris charged with the energy of lost impulses, with the life-stuff of dreaming.  Those who see the dirigible’s grave will stop and think, fondly, of the dirigible that, at one point in their life, had rescued them from a terrible fate.  They will also shudder.

                For when the zeppelin is no more, there will be nothing that can save us from being destroyed by our dreams.

 

 

 

-          a tribute to Neil Gaiman's The Sweeper of Dreams

Posted by kilawinguwak at 03:25 AM as a favorite post | 9 hoodwinked

The Tiger's Deafening Roar


Perhaps the most enigmatic figure aboard the zeppelin is the tiger behind the wheel. What mold created him, stuffing into his now-brittle bones the power to pacify the almighty dreams of kings?

Old daydreams say that he, himself, was once a dream during the days before the zeppelin plied the skies. In fact, he was an escaped nightmare. His roar could have flattened cities in a matter of seconds, and his daggerlike claws could butcher thirteen cows before the sun changed position in the heavens. And he hungered for the blood of dreams.

During the daytime, the tiger would sleep on the branches of high, bigwood trees. He did not waste his energies on meaningless daydreams that frolicked under the light of the sun. His prowess was for the blissful delirium and monstrous nightmares that prowled the corners of the mind at the cusp of night and morning.

A segment of the higher dreams - Bliss, who dwelled in the brightest of dreams and could deny you her gift, should she wish it; Lucid, who could remember everything from since man began to dream; Desire, who was as beautiful as she was deceitful, and could grant you one wish then choose to destroy you; and the chieftain of the Higher Order of Dreams' delirium elite, Linnaeus, who was power himself, and was eternally in homeostasis as a shimmering elara of light - collaborated to destroy the tiger. There was no masking the threat of a mad dream on the loose. There were some things a mind cannot take, and broken dreams was one of them.

"Why do you destroy dreams?" asked Desire. The tiger was sleeping in a cypress, playing lazily with two squirrels. The four other dreams were underneath the tree.

The tiger did not chase dreams when the sun was out. And after all, this dream looked a bit too frail to be one of his prey. "Have you heard of the tale every old dream is wont to tell every so often? About the manifestation of a dream so vivid, so real, that it could control every other dream, tether it and destroy it, if it need be?"

"You talk in riddles. What does this old wives' tale have to do with the massacre of dreams?"

"I once dreamt myself." When a dream dreams, the dreams are never just neural impulses, release from the system of the world. Their dreams are often messages, insights into the world of dreams and reality. Dreams do not often dream.

"In that dream, there were hordes of creatures - hordes of dreams - before me, and I was set upon the task of destroying them all. These dreams were violent dreams, dreams that killed the dreamer."

"I was told, in this dream of dream, that in such a manner would the eternal dream come to life. That somewhere, a dream held the key to the eternal dream. And that I were to obtain it by destroying the wilder, stronger of dreams."

Linnaeus, now shaped as a gladiator, appeared from behind Desire. "That may be, but you must still suffer the consequences of your previous actions. No matter how noble your motives are, there are some lines that should not be crossed."

No matter how powerful the tiger was, Linnaeus was energy pure and true. His claws could not get to him. And he was still in the daytime, where the power of nightmares was quite lessened.

Then Linnaeus had the tiger pinned to the ground. Bliss struck out with a dagger, intent on destroying the tiger; however, before the blow was dealt, the tiger let out a howl, wishing, with all his might, that the sun would come down.

Desire was a deceitful creature; the tiger's cause had caught her attention, and now, in the heat of the battle, she had granted the tiger's one wish.

As the sun sank below the horizon, the tiger's deafening roar carried throughout the hills, louder than it had ever been heard before. Two neighboring towns that were in the path of the roar's energy were razed to the ground; Linnaeus, being pure energy, could only be destroyed by another source of pure energy. The roar had disintegrated him in seconds, along with an arm of Lucid.

The dagger of Bliss and the fangs of Desire hit the tiger simultaneously. As all of his happiness drained with the poisonous bite of Bliss, he took comfort in knowing that upon destroying the creature Linnaeus and destroying a part of Lucid he could now bask in the dream chieftain's full power as well as share in the full memory of the long-lived dream.

Even as the fangs of Desire sank deeper into the nape of his neck and his eyesight failed him as he lost consciousness, his face was in an ironic grin. With Lucid’s memory, he now knew where the eternal dream could be found.
Posted by kilawinguwak at 03:37 AM in as a favorite post | 4 hoodwinked

July 16th, 2004

The Eternal Dream

no, for those of you who happen to be waiting for the newest addition of the zeppelin, this is not it. the zeppelin was not created in one day, and will not be finished post-haste.

however, i direct you to this dream.

we need more dreamers. the world is becoming too mundane as it is.
Currently feeling: happy
Posted by kilawinguwak at 07:22 AM | 1 hoodwinked

July 20th, 2004

i am a writer. i am also a bassist. and apparently, i have the fantastic qualities of a secretary.

however, i suck as a leader. i mean, i don't get it. i don't have any leadership qualities. i'm a fucking book-geek, for crying out loud. where's the leadership quality in that?

or maybe i'm just complaining because people just suck so much.
Currently feeling: aggravated
Posted by kilawinguwak at 02:09 AM | 1 hoodwinked

reviewing my mind

sometimes, i have no idea where i got the idea for the zeppelin. i was working with dreams though. about the time i transferred from blogspot, the last few entries i had were about time travel. i was working on another one of my books (something that would border on high fantasy and hardcore sci-fi, if i plan it well) and was also researching on the time travel theory used in donnie darko. i figured, after going through around three sites on time travel physics, some books on quantum mechanics (which yielded my best short story thus far) and plain ransacking my brain to complete that previously mentioned short story in time for submission to the palancas (which i doubt i'll win), i figured i needed a break from all that umbilical science. i doubt i'll remember half of my research anyway.

so i migrated to tabulas. when i learned from bruce that you could put photo banners on top of your page, i began to search the net for a nice photo. i forget where i bumped into the zeppelin photo up there (which turns out to be a screenshot from one of the Fallout games), but i was searching for airplane crashes. something that would be avant-garde, that didn't describe my personality as, but rather created a feel for the site. this wasn't going to be an everyday journal after all. it was, indeed, a repository of dreams. when i ran across the zeppelin photo, i plugged it up there in a heartbeat, called my site the zeppelin of burning dreams (i was debating between dreams and desires), and made the pilot a tiger, since 1.) my avatar back then was an orange photo of the gunslinging smoker, Badou, from Miwa Shirou's fantastic manga, Dogs, and 2.) because i had been fascinated with tigers even way back in my blogspot days. after completing the site, i looked at the overall elements; and then, in yet another heartbeat, came up with the first of five installments of the zeppelin of burning dreams.

so i don't know how the story's moving on. i'm pleased with the edited version of part one; however, part two is pretty much crap. especially since it sounds more like another gaiman rip-off on my part. sure, i know gaiman's a genius and all, and that imitation is a form of flattery, and i didn't really plan it out, etc etc etc. but coming up with something original in my stories is something i put a lot of work into. i work with the style of writing, the set-up of the story, the plot twists; i don't rework the whole wheel. say, i come up with a wheel, i just change the style of the treads, or the position of the air nozzle or something. but tiger's defeaning roar just reeks of sandman. and since i already came up with succeeding storylines and plot devices concerning Lucid and Desire, i can't really change much of it. it would take up too much time.

plus, i don't really have any other name for the tiger except for what he is. i certainly can't call him nightmare, that'd be a bit stupid.

if you guys have any suggestions, i'd love to hear em. :D since this blog of mine was meant to be a dream-repository, replies are more than encouraged. i don't bite. unless your idea really is that bad. what i really mean is, i like criticism, so lemme have all of the critiques you could come up with. i don't just like reading your critiques, i actually need them. i'd actually beg for em. :D

as levi would say: cheers.
Posted by kilawinguwak at 10:52 AM | 8 hoodwinked

July 22nd, 2004

booya

and here's my proposed research paper for my political science class. sheet. it's so fucking simple, it scares me to even submit it to the doctor who's handling the class.

CRUZ, MARTIN ANTONIO G.
PSC11 – B1


Subject: research paper on political reactions to terrorism (international and otherwise)

Aim: To determine and analyze the reactions of today’s societies to the global threats of terrorism, and the logic behind given responses.

I. Introduction
- world society today
- the concept of widespread, centralized terrorism
- how this affects the concept of a global society

II. The American Way
- 9 / 11 and the chain of events that followed
- the American mindset: America and her self-imposed duties

III. The Roots of Terrorism
- Western Asia: cradle of civilization, nexus of world destruction?
- the “ - Stan” factor
- AQUSTA: the Al-Quaeda University of Systematic Terrorism Annonymous
- the “Saddam” factor

IV. European Union
- the big decisions of Tony Blair
- the French connection

V. Asia and the Philippines
- The Recent Attacks
- were we really affected?

VI. The World Society Vs. Organized Terrorism
- what are people saying?
- Bush vs. Bin Laden: place your bets
- a new sense of peace and order


V. Conclusion

shiyeet. i don't even think i could come up with all the necessary info, no matter how corny and stupid it sounds. he'll probably massacre it.




i am cowed by ryza and schneider. brilliance beyond their years. i feel stupid when i read some of their works.




i want to buy a lomo camera. and finish what it really is i'm supposed to be doing.
Currently feeling: dorky
Posted by kilawinguwak at 08:18 AM | 5 hoodwinked

July 23rd, 2004

yes, sometimes my mind works in strange ways

Tanyong created the world with his bare hands.

The world was easy to create, said Tanyong to his mommy and daddy. You just take a handful of dirt and pile it into a ball.

And how about the people in the world? asked daddy.

Tanyong hadn't thought of that.

So Tanyong spent the rest of the day figuring out how to put people into the world.

He went everywhere, asking other children of his age if they knew how to put people into the world. There was the little girl with a lollipop in her mouth. She said that the easiest way to put people into the world was by wetting it. "Especially if you ask my uncle. Every time i take his lollipop from him, it always gets wet at the end. And the wet thing feels like a thousand ants going down my throat. It's yucky though. Don't eat it."

But this didn't make sense to Tanyong. After all, what would the girl's uncle have to do with people?

Ants, however. Now there was an idea worth trying.

So he went to the park, and searched the sides of trees for an anthill.

The queen ant wasn't quite willing to move into the small ball of earth that Tanyong held in his hands. "That ball's too small for all of us to fit into! We're a colony of millions and millions of ants here! Are you a stupid child?! Use your common sense, once in a while."

This angered Tanyong. "You stupid stupid ants. Why won't you listen to me?" He kicked and he kicked on the anthill until the whole hill had been flattened.

And then he went home.

That night, while Tanyon slept, hordes and hordes of ants crept up to the garden of his house. Group by group, they crawled across the driveway, shimmied up the drainpipe, and crept into Tanyong's room.

Where they feasted on the little boy throughout the night.
Posted by kilawinguwak at 01:11 PM in nightmares | 17 hoodwinked

July 25th, 2004

i want to burn myself.
Posted by kilawinguwak at 01:53 AM | 15 hoodwinked

July 28th, 2004

i don't know how someone dying - someone i don't know closely, or am not even remotely related to - should affect my life. yeah, i'm a cold unfeeling bastard. sue me. but chico's passing doesn't interest me as much as the way of his passing.

sanctity of human life my foot. if there was one thing sacred to human beings, it'd be their egos.

take the movie SIMone, for instance. the whole movie talks about how a mistaken programming could lead to a whole gamut of crap that can go on and on and on if people don't do anything to stop it. shiyeet. give a hologram a personality, make her a huge worldwide star that beat the fanaticism level generated by HIDE, then kill the hologram because its taking over the programmer. pathetic. another ego-feeder, if anything. and to think that the movie was graced by the genius of al pacino. ruination.

sometimes, i think that somewhere along the line, the human race accumulated to much knowledge and forgot two of the most natural rules of living: golden rule, and survival of the fittest. the tiger is a proud creature because it had fangs that could do their work well, balls big enough to populate the world over if given a chance, and enough common sense not to disturb creatures that weren't disturbing it, or weren't its prey.

some people have to die. if it was necessary to kill people to keep the balance in nature (humans do not control the world. they just live in it) then people should be killed. more people would die if the natural balance was destroyed.

if only it were that simple.

and for those egotists. fuck you. keel over and die, why don'cha.

Currently listening to: lithium flower
Currently reading: how the dead live
Currently feeling: annoyed
Posted by kilawinguwak at 12:49 AM | 11 hoodwinked

July 29th, 2004

we all deal with life and death.

faced with more serious decisions

life and death seem indiscernible against

the backdrop of now.
Posted by kilawinguwak at 04:18 AM | 3 hoodwinked

July 30th, 2004

do we justify killing beings - everything in the whole gamut of living things - if they deserve to die? or are we fooling ourselves in rational self justification?
Posted by kilawinguwak at 03:36 PM | 10 hoodwinked