the zeppelin of burning dreams

joycie

And there he goes to the comfort room AGAIN.

My brother has been vomiting and having diarrhea all day. And all day, I have been calm, composed and doctor-like... although deep inside I am this close to bringing him to the hospital. Of course I'm doing this with maximum tolerance. After all, he is 17, not at risk of dehydration, and able to tolerate intake. It would be a embarassment on my part to bring him there, only to be sent home.

I assured him that the stomach discomfort is something he has to deal with, and will eventually wear off. To make the best of the situation, it was my time to scold him about his poor eating habits (junkfood, coke, skipping breakfast, eating out) I already gave him a combo of Esomeprazole, Ranitidine earlier this morning, and Domperidone when he still wasn't relieved in the afternoon. I know...I am failing my Internal Medicine, and Family Med teachers right now. I'm just extra aggressive when it comes to family. I want them to feel fine right away, or I'll be bothered that I'm not doing things correctly. I am also sticking to the traditional, we made him a cup of tea, and some hot soup. On the crazier part of my mind, I am on the verge of putting efficascent/white flower/vicks with a cross sign over the stomach...good thing, we just dont have it at home at the moment.

When I first took up medicine, I imagined myself, fast forward to the future, being at the bedside of my relatives, or having their children drop by at my clinic, or knocking at my door when they were sick. They also think the same, even saying ' walang bayad kapag nagpatingin kami ha', when I was starting out. Of course I will do my best to look use my knowledge to look after them. I just never expected that when it comes to loved ones, the pressure to perform well is much greater.

My parents especially. They are both in the healthcare field, and I have never been confined, EVER in my entire life.  The younger me had such a low tolerance for malaise, and will stay in bed even if it was just a nasty cold. When I went to the province two summers ago, some of my relatives were asking me to look into their aches and discomforts. My mom answering for me. And so I smile and agree, and feel my brain shrink. Like my confidence.

But that was before clerkship and internship. Medical students know nothing but theories until they step into hell, oops, into the hospital. And only then will they find out who is sick with what. And what sallow skin, pale palpebra, or rhonchi are. I hope that through the daily routine and madness, I am becoming better at what I am trying to become.

As I type, he reports to me that he has nothing more to barf. Darn it. I ask if he is feeling better...he just slumps on the sofa, and procedes to watch tv.

Ok, just two more bouts and we're off.

http://patikimnimakoy.blogspot.com/2009/11/this-is-it.html

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Lalabas na sa November 18 ang love poetry book kong Patikim. Php180 ang presyo. Part of the proceeds will go to Desaparecidos. Msg me sa akosimakoy(at)gmail(dot)com subject: PATIKIM kung mgppareserba kyo ng kopya at kung ilan. 50 copies lang ang ilalabas ko e. Salamatch!!

joycie

Some people call it destiny, some may call it fate. But when you keep seeing this person who has given you a considerable amount of heartbreak, then lets just say, its a curse.

I hate the way he is so unoriginal. He loves sinigang. So I am reminded every time that I enter the canteen. He loves dogs, and they roam the earth. He has an ex-girlfriend who is in the same hospital that I am. His family name is the last name of every 50 Filipinos- like Reyes, or Santos, or Bautista. And his first name is at the top of every person's phonebook. His name starts with double Aa's. Go figure. And every duty in my Pedia Rotation, one child has his name. So suddenly, his name is as common as Jenny or Mark. Or am I just minding it too much? To add to that, my only referral from Orthopedics is also his patient. I get to read his progress notes, he get to see mine. Yuck.

When he was still in the hospital, I bumped into him at the Information booth, at the front of the elevator, at the Emergency Room, at the Canteen. Damn it. Sometimes with his ex. Walking together. Eating together. And catching him looking at me. Which means me, looking at him. Shit. Luckily, I have the advantage of chinkee eyes and glasses. I'd just squint and he'd never know.

When he transferred to a hospital nearer to his home, I thought it was the end of my misery. But no, just when you least expect it, he just pops out of nowhere.

Strike one, September, Andrew and I were walking to this eatery outside the hospital for lunch, laughing about something, when he crossed our path. I pointed him and Andrew just said, "Sya? Ang kapal ha." (for no apparent reason)

Strike two, October, I was on my way home, when I decided to go to a photocopy station. I was watching my steps, when I head him say, "Huy". Damn it. We crossed paths again. And that two second encounter bothered me the rest of the way home. But why?

Strike three, today, we just had a despedida dinner with Ma'am Pearl, who happens to be the BEST ENT resident of all time, for me. We were hanging out at Starbucks in Alabang..and guess what.. guess what..

He was there on the other side of the cafe. With a date. (according to my friends) Which I didn't really mind. We haven't been texting for ages.

I fell in line at the C.R., and he came right behind me. Waving to my friends, (they were obviously enjoying) and then said "Hi "(or more like a "Uy") to me. Whatever.

And so, the teasing begins.  But none of them approves of him and tells me "Buti na lang... (hindi naging kayo, kasi mejo sablay nga na boyfriend)". I just give a big smile, and say that I'm glad too. I truly am. I just don't get the nudging pointy feeling which recurs with every encounter.  It's something that I can't control, I just have to live with it.

They say that when a person has a high I.Q, then equivalent to that is a low E.Q. Though there are many exceptions,  I think this time, I am the rule. Give me a handful of medical cases, and I'd eventually figure things out. But myself, and what I feel, I still can't explain why. I guess that's why no one  gets a Ph.D. in love. If there is, then I guess I 'd like to take that up as well. As if medicine isn't enough studying.

joycie

Lord of the Rings? Nope. This is the floors between the first hospital building and the third. Apparently, this is the most benign post of all. The patients are fine, but it takes a lot of walking when making rounds.

Babies. Fragile little things. Baby Fiona will undergo operation for her meningomyelocoele. Her parents have been spending hundreds of thousands (250k for the first operation, 100k for the next) just to repair the open defect on the baby's lumbosacral area. She has to stay lying on her stomach all the time. She looks like a pretty normal baby, but when Dr. Sibayan takes off the dressing, yelch. It looks kind of painful to have a big and deep wound over the back. Aw.

Cut-down care for the two babies at the Sick Neonate Unit. The small premature one kept crying as I swabbed betadine all over the catheter on her neck. The big one, with a cranial problem, did not even move one bit as I did the same. Sad. There's another one, 8 days old, who just underwent exlap ileostomy, stuck with a colostomy bag. I can imagine how difficult it must be for a Pedia Surg to do that, tingkering at the teeny organs. Actually, the operation is just the beginning in surgery. After the OR, you have to cross fingers that the patient recuperates. She's looking good so far.

For the bigger patients, I just absolutely love it when appndectomy and cholecystectomy patients are recovering. They groan in discomfort the first two days, then you see them on the third, doing better, getting to eat, and then the best part- sending them home. On the other side, I just hate it when it takes long for them to recover, and you keep on guessing "What is wrong with you?!" We have this patient on the floors who suddenly developed difficulty in breathing, we were all stuck there stabilizing him for 3 hours. I got to do an ABG, whoopee. Sadly my extraction was mixed arteriovenous (daw). But still.

Minors the next day, I got to assist in a breast mass excision with Dr. Ortillo, a female surgeon. Coolness. Kaya lang no small talk, unlike Dr. Santos, who I assisted in a wound debridement, that kept explaining that our site has to bleed. He jokingly said that "Tanggap ka na sa Surgery" I was protesting, but he said "Ayaw mo nun, ibig sabihin, natutuwa ako sa iyo, ang bilis mo eh!" Referring to the fact that I beat him to the buffet table after our O.R. I didn't care, I was starving!

That pretty much sums up the highlights of my 32 hour duty. I'm enjoying my Surgical Rotation, though I miss getting bloody and dirty in the Emergency Room. I feel that I'm missing a lot since at private hospitals, we dont get to do a lot of procedures...I would love to do an Appendectomy or a Chest Tube Thoracostomy. I'm not going into Surgery so Internship is my last chance. At the looks of it, I guess we'll just be leaving it to the residents.

[wag kang highblood!!!]

marami pa rito http://www.figure.fm/post/en/3075/When+Anime+Fansubs+Went+WRONG.html

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SA WAKAS!! Natapos ko na ring basahin ang Life Before Man ni Margaret Atwood.

Dog-eared na nga ang kopya ko ay lalo pang naging dog-eared dahil matagal din itong na-stocked up sa bag ko. Taong 1987 pa na-publish itong kopyang naiskor ko sa Booksale ng 30 pesos. Malapit na itong maagnas.

Point-of-view ng tatlong tauhan ang buod ng nobela: sina Elizabeth, Nate, at Lesje [binibigkas na "Lashia"]. Salit-salitang pagsasaad ng kanilang mga kuwento at internalisasyon. May mga dates ang bawat chapter, nagpapaka-epistolary writing. Hehe. Giya na rin iyon para malaman natin ang flow ng plot dahil salit-salitan din ang mga pangyayari batay sa mga dates.

Sinikap ikonek ni Atwood ang kontemporaryong buhay ng tatlong tauhan sa period ng mga dinosaurs. Si Lesje, na bata pa lang ay mahilig na sa mga rocks at fossils, ang nag-contemplate hinggil dito.

Sa kabuuan, ang nobela ay tungkol sa mga relasyon. Sa mga relasyong sekswal. Halimbawa, ikinumpara ang pagse-sex ng mga tao sa iba pang hayop. Ang pangangailangang mag-contemplate sa sex bilang instinct. Pagkatapos, paano na? Sino ang magliligpit ng higaan? Sino ang aako ng responsibilidad ng pagpapamilya?

Tungkol ito sa mga one night stands ni Elizabeth. "Elizabeth is old enough to know that one woman's demon lover is another's worn-out shoe." Sa diborsyo. Sa palitan ng mga partner. Asawa ni Elizabeth si Nate. Si Lesje ay may William. Nagbaril si Chris, ang kabit ni Elizabeth. Nang matapos si Nate kay Martha, si Lesje naman ang kinarir niya. Nakipag-sex naman si Elizabeth kay William--sa partner ng kabit ng asawa niya. Punyeta! Parang nanuod ka lang ng Gimik o TGIS. Nagpapalitan lang ng mga syota.

May hint ng tulang Morning in the Burned House ang pagkakasunog ng nanay ni Elizabeth.

Nagsimula ang nobela sa mga linyang, "I don't know how I should live. I don't know how anyone should live. All I know is how I do live. I live like a peeled snail."

..at nagtapos sa, "China does not exist. Nevertheless she longs to be there."

Mga linya ni Elizabeth. Sa huli, nakatingin lang siya sa mga larawan ng The Art of Ancient China. Life before "man".

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